And you, the infamous Ashley St. Ives, high priestess of carnality, what thou think of our fair minstrels?

Once upon a time in the olden days of the 1970's there were stimulating people that got together with others of their ilk for nothing more than conversation, a few drinks and a few laughs.

My being privy to these intellectual Salons certainly molded certain tastes in literature, cinema and the arts, I also developed a keen appreciation of sarcasm and gallows humour.

During this Age of Conceit, I stumbled upon a great new idea - we needed new Rules of Order- Three simple Questions that would not only encompass all contingencies covered by the present system of law but, more importantly, confront the genuine hazards of modern life.

Revised and retooled for the new millennium, here they are:

#1 Is it Attractive?

#2 Is it Useful?

#3 Does it Know Its Place?

Apply these rules to yourself and others as well as Inanimate objects and you will find the system works and all things great and small may live in peaceful cohabitation in this great big world. Shall we make an example? Off I trot to play the game- We were not disappointed. Indeed, our platter was verily replete. Where to start? Lets see- umm... say, The Checker at the local Market.

As we are waiting in line I try to see the subjects name-tag, which has managed to move to the side of here ample breast. hmmm. I believe the name is Treblinka -or something like that.. I shall call her Tre-Tre - The experiment begins-

Attractive? Well I suppose, though I am no expert in modern hair styles- given the uniform and fluorescent lighting, and her ability to maintain two inch nails while working the register- yes.

Useful? Yes, in a automaton sort of way, slow however- (Correct me if I am wrong but the same people that move in slow motion at work, drive as fast as possible when on the road. Nest ce pas?)

Knows their place? Though the rhythm of service seems more suited for Tai-Chi class, all and all the Checker is there as a checker- and is checking. so yes. success!

Now I am sure that Tre-Tre is a perfectly lovely girl and all, and I assume she "cleans up nicely"- truly glimmering within the mist of other realms- but for the experiment to work one must Judge a person place or thing in its current setting- none of this "paint a positive picture" stuff- one must be unflinching- vicious but fair- and remember though the questions are considered separately it should be quite apparent all three are as brothers.

Here is a cocktail for we fans of "The Carrie Nations"

The Black Sperm of Vengeance!
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In a chilled pint glass rimmed with "Ashes of Roses" lipstick:

Drop a shot glass of Jägermeister into a pint of Guinness.

Garnish with brown acid

Shout "And Now Varlet- a toast to Super Woman!"