Sunday, December 9, 2007

La Dame Aux Camélias

I shall continue my rambling on about Sicily later, (aren't you glad?) But now I shall tell you where I have been recently to glean a soup·çon of pity and perhaps a few bouquets of out of season flowers arranged in Lalique vases.
Being bedridden as I was suffering recently from a bad cold, I used the down time to stage, in bed, a few fashion shows, one runway hair extravaganza called "Black hair is...." and finally a few small plays, petite theatrical vignettes really, starring the stuffed animals that share the bed with Mr. Moose and myself.
Yes, Yes, I have a very rich inner life....... I know.

"The Crucible", (with "The lamb" brilliantly portraying Tituba), "Mourning becomes Electra" and “Titus Andronicus” were great hits and then "Dark Victory" really raised the roof. (I used dimmers throughout the play for effect.)
With the gathered crowd of plush raving madly for more, I thought I would share the final play in the (cough and cold) season of the Théâtre de le Cornichon.

Masticated and regurgitated, here is the Alexandre Dumas (fils) classic "La Dame Aux Camélias"
*Marguerite was played by "Poli" the polar bear (in a fetching pink fall) and Armand was portrayed by "The Monkey".
(The role of Marguerite was originally to be played by a special guest star, the neighbors cat, but the Tylenol 3 wore off and kitty became unruly.)

Marguerite: Armand, you have come back to me! (coughs bloodily, spraying the wall and the audience- very performance art-ish yes?)

Armand: (Approaching Marguerite, he tries to embrace her, but she draws away) Yes, my frail camellia, I have realized the folly of my ways. Forgive me, Marguerite. Come with me to our little cottage in the countryside and we shall live in happiness together! There we shall have cupcakes! And cheese!

Marguerite: (Coughs bloodily again, some of the blood staining Armand's lapel) Alas, my love, alas. It is too late! I fear I will not last the night. Got a Ricola?

Armand: Don't speak like that, my Marguerite! You were strong enough to give up our love for my sake; you are strong enough to beat your consumption!

Marguerite: Would that it were so. Dearest Armand, my lungs may give out, but my heart will live forever. It will beat for you, my love, long after I have left this wretched existence. Oh, consumption junction, whats your function? (kak-kak)

Armand: You cannot leave me, Marguerite, you must not. (He takes her in his arms, she pees a little.)

Marguerite: Careful, dear, I'm hemorrhaging. Place one more sweet kiss on my lips and I can die content. (she haks up a loogie)

Armand: (debating where she means the kiss to land, he kisses her on the cheek) Mon dieu! Has Olympe been feeding you bad Chinese food? And I fear my love that your vagina needs a mint.

Marguerite: Alack, alas and woe is me... I indeed have that "not so fresh feeling." I feel my heartbeat slow and my spirit starting to slip from me.... (kak)

Armand: How would you know that, Marguerite? You were a courtesan, not a doctor.

Marguerite: Yes, I know, and I made good money too. But I gave it all up to love you, Armand, (kak) and now that I am about to depart, I have no regrets. In addition to consumption, I would have gladly suffered typhoid fever, the plague, a yeast infection and even worked for Kimora Lee Simmons for just one kiss!

Armand: Oh, my Lady of the Camellias!

Marguerite: Armandy-poo! (Coughing up blood one last time, Marguerite sinks down into her bed, farts and dies)



Here is a drinky to lift ones spirits after any stellar performance in bed!

Death in the Afternoon!_________________________________________________________
Supposedly one of Hemingway's favorites when in Paris. It is such a pretty bubbly green thing that one can hardly imagine the wallop it packs...

25 oz chilled Champagne (not the cheap shit please, the good stuff you get as gifts from your friends)

5 oz Absinthe or Pernod licorice liqueur
Pour the pernod into the champagne flute and top off with the champagne.

serves 5 (you and several stuffed animals, although after a few snootfulls you will resemble a stuffed animal)
Bon chance!

1 comment:

Evn said...

I was in a play once called The Ladies of the Camellias, which was a fictional, comedic account of a meeting between Sarah Bernhardt and Eleonora Duse backstage at a theatre in Paris. (Or, as our director made us pronounce it, "Pah-RHEE.")

Your version sounds way funnier than ours. Probably more audience-accessible, too.

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