Friday, December 26, 2008

Dystopic Myopia

I muse you know, yeah, I'm a known muser.
It has not been the best year, but it is almost over and brand new one is coming. tick tick tick.
Before closing with 8, and starting with 9 ...let's celebrate in the proper way.
In our best dresses , shoes, haircuts and makeup!
Girls, all the Chanel (fake is fine, just pay a lot for it) in the world, the tallest Laboutins you can imagine and the biggest chandelier earrings you can find. (dance with your earrings, not with your body) Try to looked vacant and detached if at all possible, like you are suffering from a golden malaise steming from the weight of your beauty- not unlike the feeling of having a maxed out credit card during a sale at Barney's.
Guys, all the Ford's Halston revisited luxury and all the Pradas your feet can afford. Dress and act like you are bored to tears and at least ten years younger, no one wants to look or act over thirty you know!
Let's honour the old-ish, and welcome the new with our best looks, brands and feelings. (Or at least how all these lux brands make us feel which is really more authentic, to us at least, the young and beautiful, the people that really matter) Let's dance in celebration of our own superior brilliance, spray Dyptique L'Eau -or anything Tom is humbly offering, maybe White Patchouli and Black Orchid- in the air, drop some Veuve Cliquot on our necks, wear any grungy Jacob's tee with a Camellia on it or maybe a really amazing vintage piece that costs more than our monthly Verizon bill, then make love under the Christmas tree, watching our own reflections in those shiny Christmas/disco balls, and on the 1st of January, when the post war silence will make us think about resolutions - resolving to acquire more next year.....
OK Enough - !
Socially and economically we have been to a party that has lasted for at least eight long years, and its time for us to buck up and get down to the business at hand - a little something called "saving the free world" -but we need to start with ourselves. Certainly I believe that one has the right to do as he or she pleases, but only if that person doesn't infringe on other peoples rights. Having said that, here are a few of my thoughts on the matter, that matter being the Rules of Order- i.e. How to live a human life among others of the species..
The recent elections have shown us that our destiny can somewhat be decided by our own actions and deeds, so, Ladies and Gentlemen, it is time you pull your shit together, stop whining about your figure/hair/friends/partners/parents/children/co-workers or the lack of goods and services you have been led to believe you need or deserve.

I truly don't care what deity, if any, you believe in, what your political party is, who you sleep with or who your people are. I am certainly not alone in my lack of interest, most of us are to self involved to notice your personal life, unless it effects us personally.
Having said that, I am going to have to insist that we all practice good manners at all times, If you are unfamiliar with the subject, buy a book on the rules of conduct or ask around- you can start with "Please" and "Thank you" - yes, even, and especially, to people you do not know on the street or in the shops.
You may rebel, in appropriate ways, if you are convinced your friends/partners/parents/co-workers/the world, seemingly refuse to "understand you" but please at least do it a little quieter and with a bit more style.

Please stop behaving like the world is your living room, take your feet off the table or the dashboard of the car, turn the volume down when speaking and stop acting bored and put upon.
What you think is cute is certainly repugnant to others. No, you are not being edgy. No, you are not "just being yourself", if you are, try being someone else please.
(And yes, you should care, we all have to share certain public spaces there is, so, it is imperative that you present yourself a little better to the world.)
Brothers, it's a brand new day, most of us do not want to see your underware, so pull your damn pants up and tie your shoe laces because any repression you suffer -or believe that you suffer- isn't going to be rectified by your poor grooming habits.
No, your dress and behavior is not justified by your belief that you are "Keeping it real" nor is it cultural.
Ladies- and some of you gentlemen, need to wear appropriate clothes for the occasion.
If you absolutely must, truly creative or unique costuming is always appreciated, but if you choose to dress like a exotic dancer, you certainly may do so, but we do not want to hear any complaints when you are treated like your services may be procured for a certain fee.

If you are fortunate enough to be beautiful/rich/smart/entitled or otherwise superior to others, please refrain from outwardly demonstrating said superiority by your appearance or manner.
If you are what others consider beautiful, please do not ruin the illusion by being ugly in your behavior, that look of disdain only works on the catwalk, not in real life.
If you are in any way attractive or interesting in appearance, you are certainly aware you will be looked at, try not to act like it is an affront to your person.
There are reasons we have certain rules regarding street signs and the correct operation of motor vehicles, the most important is so you do not endanger my life, so, stop talking and texting, pay attention and -here is a heads up- those traffic signs and signals? They are not merely suggestions for what is allowable while driving. I do not want to share or experience your taste in music when I am in the car or anywhere in public. (Oh yes, and do lay off the horn- it makes you seem impatient at best, which I can tell you is never an attractive quality in a friend/partner/parent/child/co-worker)

Now, If you behave yourself, eat all your veggies- um, I mean vegetables, cross all of your T's and dot all of your I's, (but not with smiley faces) keep your opinions to yourself and your beliefs and politics out of my- and others- faces and/or uteruses,-uteri?- (unless otherwise requested) we shall all get along just fine.
There now, all better- being preachy and judgemental always makes me sooo thirsty.....Wait, who are you calling "Mister Perfect?" That's kind of harsh, I am far from perfect. That sounds kind of... what? Um, wait, what? How could you say that? No- I am not being that judgemental...all right if it makes you feel better, I will admit something awful, I blew Roy Cohn in the balcony at Studio 54 in the late '70's, Happy? Are you happy now?
Here is a drink to go perfectly with the raw oysters on new years eve.. or apr├Ęs un BJ....

Hell's Mary!
3 oz Absolut Peppar vodka
1 tbsp horseradish
6 oz Spicy Hot V8 Juice
1 tsp coarsely ground black pepper corns
1 tbsp lemon juice
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tbsp Tabasco -or even better- Crystal sauce
Add all ingredients (except vodka) to a blender. Blend and add Absolut Peppar vodka. Blend again to stir in vodka. Pour into a whiskey sour glass half-filled with ice, and serve. With a smile.

Now you has Jazz.


Kenny Schultz said...

Who is Roy Cohn?

Anonymous said...

He was a mean spirited

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zeitgeist, particular friend, perky libertine, animated trickster, iconoclast, rabble-rouser, object of worship, provocateur, capricious damp enchantress, idiosyncratic beloved reptile, whimsical saucy booze hound, bellwether, luminary, stoic, pensive illicit paramour, aloof, engaged, intuitive, curious, perplexing deranged mastermind, passionate, lasciviously adored offspring, amorous, sultry flamboyant charioteer, scholar, scribe, exalted thespian, voracious, considerable chieftain, impaired, cynical colleague, dreamer, procrastinator, loathsome glutton, artist, oppressed peasant, dainty heathen, narcissist, self-loathing...renaissance man