Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Catfood, Slithy Toves and Hand Grenades

Overheard at a recent cocktail party: "Oh yes, of course I know le Cornichon. Although he looks as dumb as a bag of rocks, he actually knows the meaning of the word portmanteau, he enjoys mixing it up with all sorts of different people and is always looking at the glass as half full- albeit slightly discolored from minerals.... does anyone know how to make a hand grenade?"
And I shall call them Legion.
There was a little girl that I played with when I was little, a wee sprite whose name was Catfood. Everyone called her that because she ate catfood once on a bet. (the quarter she earned on that fateful day haunted her from then on not unlike Judas and the thirty pieces of silver) She told everyone that she had not only met the Jackson Five, but that Michael himself gave her the pair of white plastic sunglasses she always wore. Even at that age we knew we were being had, but she was always entertaining; she could recite this poem perfectly from beginning to end. Here is just the beginning:

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe.

At the time, I thought it was "Slide-y Toes" but since then I've done some research and here are a couple of words that I have been able to decode.
Slithy: Combination of "slimy" and "lithe." The i is long, as in writhe.

Tove: A combination of a badger, a lizard, and a corkscrew. They are very curious looking creatures which make their nests under sundials and eat only cheese. Pronounced so as to rhyme with groves. (Note that "gyre and gimble," i.e. rotate and bore, is in reference to the toves being partly corkscrew by Humpty Dumpty's definitions) I of course understand this perfectly. But help me figure this one out.

I am having a problem with truth. Well, not ME actually, Though I am not unlike Catfood or our deah friend Evn over at Lover of Strife, who "...can often be found not keeping his mouth shut and taking creative liberties with What Really Happened"- (the truth is usually so dismal that one finds it necessary to tart it up a little as they say) I am having a problem with other peoples truth. The big truths that make a difference. The little white lies are one thing, but , well here is a little story... My neighbors’s youngest child has developed a bit of a lying problem. He lies to get out of trouble. He lies to avoid doing something he doesn’t enjoy. He lies to get attention or to get people to like him. Sometimes, he lies for no apparent reason at all. I tried to explain to him that lying is probably one of the worst things a person can do. I expected him to accept my morality as fact and not question my Supreme Adult-like Assessment of his Bad Behavior. Instead, he asked me, “Why? What’s so bad about it?” Well, touché. What is so bad about lying? We currently live in a culture that cumulatively lies our asses off on a nearly daily basis. We lie to get out of trouble. (I’m sorry, officer, I didn’t realize how fast I was going.) We lie to avoid doing something we won’t enjoy. (I’d love to go to your party; it’s just that I already made plans.) We lie to get attention (Oh man, I am feeling so sick today) and we lie to get people to like us. (I love your new haircut!) At first, we told ourselves that Little White Lies were OK. After all, there were good intentions behind a lot of our lies. Most of the time, we were trying to be tactful. We were attempting to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. We were doing our best to remain politically correct. We wanted to make friends and keep them happy. What’s the harm in that? Then, our lying got out of control. It was almost as if we started to glorify lying. Joe Millionaire was a likable guy despite his steady stream of lies to potential new wives. The biggest and most skilled liar won a million dollars on ‘Survivor’ or earned a position working for Donald Trump. A greedy woman lied about being raped in order to sue a basketball star and escaped punishment when she was found out. Our very own president of the United States chose to perjure himself in a court of law rather than simply say, “Fuck off, it’s none of your damn business.” So how does one explain to a child that lying is wrong when it’s so obviously in vogue? For a minute there, I was just as confused as my neighbors’s son. Then I closed my eyes tightly and desperately searched my memory for what my Father told me. This is what I finally came up with: “Because, someday, you are going to be telling the truth and you’ll need someone to believe you. But no one will.” I consider myself to be quite the Average Joe when it comes to politics. By that, I mean I am mildly ignorant about what goes on in Washington and I go to the polls with only a vaguest understanding of the issues. Oftentimes, I end up voting with my gut or just giving up altogether and voting down party lines. I don’t want to be ignorant. I want to make informed, solid, confident decisions. However, the more I read about the people in power, the more I have a sneaking suspicion that everything they say is all bunch of bullshit. Every time I attempt to do some honest research, I am confronted with nothing but lies. The Democrats want me to believe that anyone who doesn’t support government sponsored programs that promote a victim mentality (such as welfare and social security) is a cruel, intolerant, selfish asshole. The Democrats want me to pay minorities for past atrocities (Through affirmative action, etc) committed against their ancestors based completely on the color of my skin. If I argue or point out the fact that my ancestors did not even live in America when slavery was rampant, they call me a racist. Should I be against gay marriage but completely supportive of homosexual civil unions, I am a homophobe. The Democrats want me to believe that supporting speech that is hateful strictly based on a person’s constitutional rights is akin to agreeing with the person being the jerk. I am starting to wonder if ‘Intolerance’ is the Democrat’s big lie. It seems to me that they use that word as a weapon to demoralize people and create social stigma around any idea that is contrary to their own. Excuse me if that doesn’t seem very tolerant to me. The Republicans want me to believe that anyone who is an Atheist possesses no morals and will someday commit a crime. They tell me that I only resent being spied on because I have something to hide. If I support abortion because I believe it is more merciful to end a life than to bring it into the world unwanted and abused, they accuse me of being a heartless murderer. If I say it is better for a child to be raised by a gay couple as opposed to being completely abandoned, the Republicans say I lack family values. If I insist that school should be a place for education and not religious training, it is obvious to them that I don’t give a shit about the children. Perhaps ‘Family Values’ is the Republican’s big lie. That phrase is being used to shame the opposition into supporting religious agendas in a country that prides itself on religious freedom. Just because I am not a Christian does not mean that I do not see the value in a strong family unit, nor does it make me a criminal. The Feminists tell me that men and women who complete the same job do not make equal pay. If true, I agree that is unfair. However, when I make note of the fact that men do not get equal rights in family court, I notice that the feminists are suspiciously quiet. Is Feminism about equality or superiority? Do they even know anymore? Some scientists say global warming is a very real phenomenon. They say that unless we act now, there will be tragic consequences for the future. Other scientists say that the Earth has gone through varying climate changes for billions of years. They note the tropical climate back when dinosaurs walked the planet and the ice age that soon followed. Who shall I believe when both groups hold their hands out for more grant money? Every time I turn on the TV, I hear varying versions of the phrase ‘SEE HOW YOUR CHILDREN ARE IN DANGER, NEWS AT 11!’ Undoubtedly, I am worried and I quickly tune into the news that night….only to watch a report about a steep set of stairs or a chair that is being recalled because of its tendency to pinch thighs. Serious Thunderstorm Alerts turn out to be minor rainfall and scary viruses that sweep the nation are nothing more than common colds. When did the news embrace cheap scare tactics in lieu of unbiased, factual reporting? We are told that we’ve gone to war to prevent more terrorist attacks similar to the one that took place on September 11th. The President assures us that he is trying to prevent the loss of more American lives. But as the war rages on, one can’t help but notice the death toll is rising. We were told the Middle East had Weapons of Mass Destruction. Then someone said that they didn’t. Then we found some chemical….things? I don’t know. Something doesn’t quite add up anymore. My gut tells me that everyone currently in power is a liar. But if that is the case, then who do I believe? Where do I go for unbiased facts when every legitimate source is suspect? I consider myself an Average Joe in that I have lost faith in it all. I have turned my television off and I have canceled my subscription to the newspaper. I have lost the will to sift through partial truths, minor falsities, purposeful deceptions, and bald face lies. Instead, I have focused all of my attention on My World and I pay little mind to what goes on in The World. But, someday, I wonder what will happen if some vital information was suddenly stumbled upon. Perhaps the politicians will try to warn us and we will all sneer at them in disgust. Maybe the media will frantically attempt to report the news…to billions of people who only roll their eyes in response. Scientists and Activists may beg us to believe them only to be met with bored, apathetic sighs. I wonder if one day this world will be met with tragic consequences simply because those in power refused to stop crying wolf. If so, we’ll all be royally screwed. But at least we can take our children by the hand and say, “This. This is why lying is bad.”

OK I feel better. Hows about a drinky?
Here's to my favorite "Funkytown"

New Orleans Hand Grenade

1 1/2 oz gin
1 1/2 oz grain alcohol
1 1/2 oz melon liqueur
1 1/2 oz rum
1 1/2 oz vodka

Stir ingredients together in a Collins glass filled with ice cubes. Add water and sugar if desired, to taste, and serve. It's Frabjous. Oh, By the way, Portmanteau is not a city in Nepal.
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zeitgeist, particular friend, perky libertine, animated trickster, iconoclast, rabble-rouser, object of worship, provocateur, capricious damp enchantress, idiosyncratic beloved reptile, whimsical saucy booze hound, bellwether, luminary, stoic, pensive illicit paramour, aloof, engaged, intuitive, curious, perplexing deranged mastermind, passionate, lasciviously adored offspring, amorous, sultry flamboyant charioteer, scholar, scribe, exalted thespian, voracious, considerable chieftain, impaired, cynical colleague, dreamer, procrastinator, loathsome glutton, artist, oppressed peasant, dainty heathen, narcissist, self-loathing...renaissance man