Sunday, June 14, 2009

she's in parties (part cinq)

"And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man." -A.E. Housman

Ah drinking. The Booze, the Hooch, the ruin of many a good man and the shaper of empires. Why, my own father ran rum over the Canadian border during the Prohibition days, the so called noble experiment, he made quite a nice fortune of it really, working for Jewish gangsters in Chicago. Really. I know, Jewish gangsters... huh. I also learned that the word Hooch came from the Hoochinoo Indians in Alaska that made an especially potent bootleg liquor, yeah, I know, funny that.
Anyway, there is a time and place for everything and I think that this would be a nice time to ramble off about drinking. How to do it and what to drink.
How, of course is the most important thing I shall talk about because, just like piloting an aeroplane or having sex, its much more conducive to a "happy landing", shall we say, if one knows how to properly conduct oneself in the "drivers seat." It is much much more than tipping back ones little beaky and guzzling the last of the tequila along with the worm. Oh yes, there is a certain protocol one must adhere to.
The Why of Hooch
But first why drink at all? As the how of drinking properly is not really a matter of manners, the why is that it is a matter of necessity, as modern life would be unbearable if one had to always face it stone cold sober. Think "piano recital featuring ten year old children".
There now, don't you agree? Hmmmm?
Speaking of ten year olds, the Drink is most important for young people because it provides a sort of "liquid adulthood."
If you are young and drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, age your face horribly until you resemble an apple-head doll - if you know what that is you get the visual- and make you fat in the most unattractive areas of your body.
In other words, it turns you into an adult. If you want to have one of those great, beefy, impressively red faces that politicians and corporation presidents have, better start drinking as early in life and stay with it. Heavy drinking will also give you a mature and authoritative-sounding voice, especially when combined over a long time spent in smoky bars.

If you are are older, alcohol is even more important. Even if you are a follower of Objectivism, it provides you with all of those things that are lacking in modern life because of the rapid disappearance of organized religion and domestic servants. Booze makes you feel important when you are not, it makes you feel sexy when you are not, it makes you feel witty, well, etc. and so forth. If you are important, sexy or witty, it makes you have a smug sense of security, and it gives you the incontrovertible reason not to have sexual relations. And, what's best, is the fact that booze can provide the one thing so many adults are so laking these days, sleep.
The other side of the coin is that it is the tried and true method of slowly and methodically ending your life prematurely, ala the Barrymore family and their ilk.
The single drawback in ones attempt at self destruction is that you may not drink enough and will see the things come to pass that you have been dreading, like the greenhouse effect, nuclear war, years of bad television and becoming one of those crazy old drunks -you know, the ones that think they are Ab Fabulous but are indeed not- that outlive all of their peers and are bumming drinks at resort hotel bars and wearing iridescent white sunglasses that match their lipstick. (and their adult diapers)
There is a side to drinking that does have to do with courtesy, however. That is, there are times when it would be very bad manners to be sober. Some of these occasions are at a funeral of someone you knew or claimed to, your daughter's wedding reception, your own wedding reception, a Bris Milah- unless you are the Mohel- and anytime the Dow-Jones average drops more than 500 points in a day. Not to be a little tight during these situations will make you seem, unfeeling, insensitive, and in the case of the last, financially inconsequential.
And that would drive one to drink.
Altas Shrugged
perfect for summer reading and/or drinking
2 parts Senator's Club® whiskey
1 part Blue Curacao liqueur
1 splash orange juice
fill with cranberry juice
Mix in shaker with ice. Strain and serve.

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zeitgeist, particular friend, perky libertine, animated trickster, iconoclast, rabble-rouser, object of worship, provocateur, capricious damp enchantress, idiosyncratic beloved reptile, whimsical saucy booze hound, bellwether, luminary, stoic, pensive illicit paramour, aloof, engaged, intuitive, curious, perplexing deranged mastermind, passionate, lasciviously adored offspring, amorous, sultry flamboyant charioteer, scholar, scribe, exalted thespian, voracious, considerable chieftain, impaired, cynical colleague, dreamer, procrastinator, loathsome glutton, artist, oppressed peasant, dainty heathen, narcissist, self-loathing...renaissance man