Saturday, March 22, 2008

Jesus loves you- but only as a friend

I love Jesus. He is cute and he died for my sins.
Whatta guy.
Do you think Jesus kind of hangs out with other Deities?
You know like Krishna or Buddha?
I can just see them having lunch, shopping or playing practical jokes on each other.
If I know Jesus he is surely a merry prankster- why just look at the platypus- was He high when He created them or what? Jesus would be all, "Hey Osirus! OMG! Look what I just make- WHOA! Right?"
Each year around Easter, I always try to get in touch with Jesus using a Ouija Board- Well, him and Noah Webster. Jesus is always "away from his desk" or something , but although Noah's spelling isn't all that it used to be, he seems to be getting along splendidly otherwise.

Monsieur Moose and I have arrived in New Orleans -via the Red-eye express- to hang with the other Vieux Carre vixens, watch the parades and participate in a little yearly tradition called the 'Stations of the Cross Pub Crawl." (Also known as the "Dolorosa Drag")
It's a lovely way to welcome spring and remember our Lord and Savior -usually with a tremendous hangover.
It is a simple as pie really, you gather 20 or so of your intimates and either visit bars or other friends houses, imbibing at each stop with a particular beverage! Sounds like fun huh?
I suggest spreading the thing out over a two day period- And always remember what our deah Rose' always says, "Never mix the grain with the grape!"

At the Start- Jesus is condemned to death : We assign a designated driver. Or someone to bail us out of jail.
First stop- Jesus receives the cross: Absolutepeppar shots through the nose. He did die for your sins you know.
Second stop- Jesus falls the first time: everyone drinks a "Fallen Angel"
Third stop- Jesus meets His Mother: every one drinks a "Adios Mother"
Forth stop- Simon of Cyrene carries the cross: everyone drinks a "Simon Sez Seazar"
Fifth stop- Veronica wipes Jesus' face with her veil : every one drinks a "Veronica's Veil"
Sixth stop- Jesus falls the second time: Name the "Sorrowful Mysteries" and everyone drinks a "Fall Of Man"
Seventh stop- Jesus meets the daughters of Jerusalem: everyone drinks a "Daughter of Jerusalem"

Eighth stop- Jesus falls the third time: Everyone drinks a "Falling Blue Sky"
Ninth stop- Jesus is stripped of His garments: everyone drink a "Nekkid Jesus"
Tenth stop- Crucifixion: Jesus is nailed to the cross: everyone drink a "Nail Puller"
Eleventh stop- Jesus dies on the cross: everyone drink a "Death" shot.
Twelfth stop- Jesus' body is removed from the cross: everyone drinks a "Crash Landing"
Thirteenth stop- Jesus is laid in the tomb and covered in incense: everyone drink a "Nighty-night Jesus"

The winner is the one that can say the "lords Prayer" in Latin on one leg with arms on a crucifixion pose without falling or having to start over.
(Oh and try and not say "OH, Jesus!" if you get sick, he hates that!)

Fallen Angel
1 oz Taboo®
1 oz Archers® peach schnapps
5 oz lemonade
Combine all ingredients in a tall glass filled with ice cubes, stir and serve.

Adios Mother
1 oz vodka
1 oz gin
1 oz white rum
1 oz Blue Curacao liqueur
6 oz sweet and sour mix
6 oz 7-Up® soda
Add vodka, gin, white rum and blue curacao to an ice-filled hurricane glass. Fill the glass with equal parts sour mix and 7-Up, garnish with a cherry, and serve.

Simon Sez Seazar

juice of 1 limes

2 dashes salt

2 dashes peppers

2 dashes celery salt

2 dashes cayenne peppers

3 dashes Tabasco® sauce

3 dashes Worcestershire sauce

2 1/2 oz Absolut® Peppar vodka

6 - 8 oz Mott's® clamato juice
Shake and serve in a hurricane glass with a salted rim. Garnish with a celery stalk.

Veronicas Veil
3 - 5 ice cubes
2 oz Seagram's® 7 whiskey
1 oz Chambord® raspberry liqueur
7-Up® soda
Mix over ice. Stir lightly.

Fall Of Man
1 oz Tanqueray® gin
1 oz Hpnotiq® liqueur
Stir together in a brandy snifter, and serve.

Daughter of Jerusalem
1/4 oz vodka
1/4 oz apple schnapps
1/4 oz Black Haus® blackberry schnapps
1/4 oz peach schnapps
cranberry juice
orange juice
Fill your nice, cold beer mug with ice. Mix all liquors then add juices. Shake it up and serve.

Falling Blue Sky
2 counts Blue Curacao liqueur
2 counts gin
2 counts vodka
2 counts triple sec
2 counts tequila
2 counts Bacardi® 151 rum
1 part sweet and sour mix
1 part 7-Up® soda
1 part ice
Mix all ingredients except 7-Up in a mixing glass. Pour into a hurricane glass and add the 7-Up. Stir lightly with a straw and serve.

Nekkid Jesus
3/4 oz Pernod® licorice liqueur
3/4 oz Mandarine Napoleon® orange liqueur
1 oz pineapple juice
4 oz sparkling bitter lemon soda
Pour into an ice-filled wine goblet, and garnish with a lemon wedge. Flash your Hostess and /or Bartender.

Nail Puller
1 oz vodka
2 oz Kahlua® coffee liqueur
4 oz Dr. Pepper® soda
Mix over ice in a highball glass.

Death shot
1/2 oz Opal Nera® black sambuca
1/2 oz tequila

Crash Landing
1 1/2 oz vodka
2 tsp grenadine syrup
1 dash lemon juice
1 dash lime juice
1 twist lemons
1 tsp sugar
Shake ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain into a cocktail glass and garnish with a lemon twist.

Nighty-night Jesus
1 1/2 oz Absolut® vodka
1 splash lime juice
1 splash grenadine syrup
Bacardi® 151 rum
Pour vodka, lime juice, and grenadine into shot glass. Then layer 151 proof rum on top from the back of a spoon.
Light the 151 and shoot it while lit if you dare. If you are worried about shooting a lit drink, just blow out the flame and then shoot the drink. pussy.

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