Primats sur la glace

I used to have a monkey named Stagger Lee.

We used to spend long hours talking and talking, covering some of the most varied and interesting subjects you can imagine, important things like Anthroposophy, Giotto and the Pre-Renaissance or The Bersaglieri and how the black capercaillie feathers are usually applied to their combat helmets.

One very cold winter we found ourselves in Treorchy (in the historic county of Glamorgan that is in the county borough of Rhondda Cynon Taff, lying in the Rhondda Fawr valley) Wales, in the cottage that we charmingly called "Planet Claire" after the previous owner, who had left an old 1965 Plymouth Satellite in the barn, not to mention that we were far from any major city, it was truly like being on a planet of sheep and dirt.

It was a snowy evening, and the conversation and mulled wine was dwindling, so I suggested a rousing game of "Hide and Seek". As I was counting to one thousand I must have nodded off, because the next morning I found Poor Stagger Lee frozen stiff outside of the hall -and-parlour house, a copy of Hafod-dwyll (Brithdir-ac-Islaw'r dre, Mer.) you know something you might see in Gwynedd. Anyway the poor chimp was dead- I was somewhat consoled that he had at least he won the game- he looked so cute all dressed up in his harlequin outfit with a grin on his face, so as a reward for his long service and his gumption to stay with the game, I had a very grand funeral for him, complete with the beautiful voices of a children's choir I had the pleasure meeting at an eisteddfod in St. David's.
I chose the following piece of music for his memorial, a song that was near and dear to him, sung in Welsh at the time, but translated to English for this printing.

Stagger Lee by Nick Cave

It was back in '32 when times were hard

He had a Colt .45 and a deck of cards

Stagger Lee

He wore rat-drawn shoes and an old stetson hat

Had a '28 Ford, had payments on that

Stagger Lee

His woman threw him out in the ice and snow

And told him, "Never ever come back no more"

Stagger Lee

So he walked through the rain and he walked through the mud

Till he came to a place called The Bucket Of Blood

Stagger Lee

He said "Mr Motherfucker, you know who I am"

The barkeeper said, "No, and I don't give a good goddamn"

To Stagger Lee

He said, "Well bartender, it's plain to see

I'm that bad motherfucker called Stagger Lee"

Mr. Stagger Lee

Barkeep said, "Yeah, I've heard your name down the way

And I kick motherfucking asses like you every day"

Mr Stagger Lee

Well those were the last words that the barkeep said

'Cause Stag put four holes in his motherfucking head

Just then in came a broad called Nellie Brown

Was known to make more money than any bitch in town

She struts across the bar, hitching up her skirt

Over to Stagger Lee, she starts to flirt

With Stagger Lee

She saw the barkeep, said, "O God, he can't be dead!

"Stag said, "Well, just count the holes in the motherfucker's head"

She said, "You ain't look like you scored in quite a time.

Why not come to my pad? It won't cost you a dime"

Mr. Stagger Lee

"But there's something I have to say before you begin

You'll have to be gone before my man Billy Dilly comes in,

Mr. Stagger Lee"

"I'll stay here till Billy comes in, till time comes to pass

And furthermore I'll fuck Billy in his motherfucking ass"

Said Stagger Lee

"I'm a bad motherfucker, don't you know

And I'll crawl over fifty good pussies just to get one fat boy's asshole

"Said Stagger Lee

Just then Billy Dilly rolls in and he says, "You must be

That bad motherfucker called Stagger Lee"

Stagger Lee

"Yeah, I'm Stagger Lee and you better get down on your knees

And suck my dick, because If you don't you're gonna be dead"

Said Stagger Lee

Billy dropped down and slobbered on his head

And Stag filled him full of lead

Oh yeah.

Yes. I know. Goosepimples huh?

I really miss him sometimes, he was a great monkey. Well, at least I think he was a monkey, for all I know he could have been that old Monk from the Sheshan Monastery we picked up motoring through Tibet, that would explain the reason that Stagger Lee only spoke in a Tibeto-Burman dialect.

Hmm, you think? Nah, couldn't be. Oh well.

Cheers.

Iced Monkey

1 1/2 oz Malibu® coconut rum

1/2 oz creme de bananes

1/8 oz grenadine syrup

pineapple juice

1/2 oz Midori® melon liqueur

Add rum, creme de banane and grenadine to a Collins glass. Almost fill with pineapple juice, and mix. Float midori on top, and serve. Peel a banana with your feet and enjoy!