Tuesday, September 8, 2009

My Cherry Armoire and other Beloved Furniture

How time flies when you are having fun. During the recent Labor Day holiday celebrations I spent time in my beloved New Orleans around friends and loved ones as well as the throngs of male crudité that invade our little hamlet during the yearly festival know as Southern Decadence. As the scores of unwashed masses usually do not provide even an ounce of mental stimulation, relying on visual and tactile stimuli instead- like so much decorative furniture- I was more than pleased-as-rum-punch when during one of many parties (hmmmf) I had a most pleasurable conversation with a rather handsome man about, of all things, the return of astrology as a reliable source of matchmaking, you know, by figuring out someones personality- without all that time spent chatting away mano a mano over countless bottles of (shudder) inexpensive wine. Boxed even.

Choosing a rather perilously low divan - because as you know I have the kind of figure that is well suited for reclining among cushions- I chatted away with the aforementioned gentleman, a certain French celebrity of sorts, almost half my age yet well beyond the age of reason with dancing golden brown eyes and muscular pecs to match and hair the color of neglected brass, you know who I mean, don't be coy.

A one point in our conversation about astrology, he lifted the glass filled with amber liquid, holding it, regarding it as though looking at me through a lorgnon, and said in a throaty accent: "You know cherie, you could have saved many a Grand Duke or Saudi Prince from finding himself in the fearful midnight hour, pouring his heart out in a letter filled with his unrequited passion before then turning to the service revolver lying on the table simply by comparing your astrological signs first..." I realized how right he was - beautiful people so often are- So here is a bit of a run down of signs and their somewhat cliche personality traits for your carful study; mix and match like IHOP syrups to find your own cherie amour.

Capricorn December 22 -January 19

Tends to be very private and as a result learns little about real life. Tends to be passive aggressive. Tendency for show-boating, especially in their careers. Best as child. Famous Capricorns: Jesus, Marilyn Manson, Susan Lucci.

Aquarius January 20 -February 18

Creative and modern thinking. Often mistaken for not-to-bright. Does not learn from experience. Likes shiny objects and/or other peoples husbands/wives. Famous Aquarians: Zsa Zsa Gabor, Dan Quale, Sharon Tate.

Pisces February 19 -March 20

Emotionally powerful if a bit paranoid Makes up by being a bully for what lacks in real bravery. Has no pets but complex imaginary friends instead. Famous Pisceans: Jack Kerouac, Patty Hearst, Madame Chiang Kai-shek.

Aries March 21 -April 19
Tendency toward being outdoorsy and independent, or at least dresses the part. Walks away rather than have a decent discussion. Better without progeny. Makes excellent Sherpa. Famous Arians: Joan Crawford, William Shatner, Debbie Reynolds.
Taurus April 20 -May 20
Great stick-with-it-ness. Often quite successful later in life- usually by crooked means. Famous Taurians: Prescott Bush, Adolf Hitler, Jim Jones.
Gemini May 21 -June 20
Dual natured. Intelligent if schizophrenic. Neither aspect of personality admirable. Fast at making deals, Fast at loosing friends/shirt. Famous Geminis: Jeffery Dahmer, King George III, Paula Abdul.
Cancer June 21 -July 22
A good listener and quite easy to take advantage of. Wildly emotional, barely able to function in an adult environment. Tendency toward deep seated sexual infantilism. Famous Cancerians: Lizzie Bordon, P.T. Barnum, George W. Bush.
Leo July 23 -August 22
Clever. Stubborn and forceful. Pulls wool over others eyes as a hobby. Seems to listen but doesn't really care. Makes good cop. Famous Leos: Miss Cleo, Aldous Huxley, Madonna.
Virgo August 23 -September 22
Weighs facts carefully often resulting in complete inaction. Obsessively clean and therefore hard to be with because of it. Whines a lot. Famous Virgos: Queen Elizabeth I, Upton Sinclair, Josie and The Pussycats.
Libra September 23 -October 22
Sensitive to music, art and literature. Happy completely alone much to the delight of everyone. Famous Libras: Truman Capote, Mark Rothko, Al Sharpton.
Scorpio October 23 -November 21
Sneaky. One way sensitivity. Easily hurt, but unconscious of other peoples feelings. Makes excellent file clerk or facist rebel. Famous Scorpios: Fedor Dostoevsky, Tonya Harding, Charles Manson.
Sagittarius November 22 -December 21
Wide open. Gives too much information on personal matters but also otherwise known to take creative liberties with The Truth. Sees the bright side of everything however senseless. Known to follow lemmings. Famous Sagittarius's: Nostradamus, Catherine of Aragon, Jay Bakker.
There now... all better? Hmmm, you're welcome, all for science...
cherie amour
3 oz vodka

4 oz coconut rum

4 sliced bananas

1 pint strawberries

Combine all ingredients in a blender with enough ice to achieve a smooth consistancy. Serve in coupe glass.

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zeitgeist, particular friend, perky libertine, animated trickster, iconoclast, rabble-rouser, object of worship, provocateur, capricious damp enchantress, idiosyncratic beloved reptile, whimsical saucy booze hound, bellwether, luminary, stoic, pensive illicit paramour, aloof, engaged, intuitive, curious, perplexing deranged mastermind, passionate, lasciviously adored offspring, amorous, sultry flamboyant charioteer, scholar, scribe, exalted thespian, voracious, considerable chieftain, impaired, cynical colleague, dreamer, procrastinator, loathsome glutton, artist, oppressed peasant, dainty heathen, narcissist, self-loathing...renaissance man